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"I don't want a booty call, just what Cory and Topanga had."
"to not take her to detox."
I don't know anymore. Life is hard though, I just want to be someones little spoon for a night. I know right.
It took me an aerobic week of emotions to tell you that I'm happy for you. I didn't wake up yesterday and decide that life isn't completely different and seemingly scary without you here, but I did decide that I'm happy for you no matter how it affects me. The same way you're happy for me even when it's helping wreck parts of your life. I remembered that when I'm irritated with some trick, you're right there with me tellin' her she had better not push you again; when I need to pick a fight with a retard over some babymammadrama, you are there with me criticizing her lack of sentence structure and proper grammar. Friendships are built on funny foundations, honestly sometimes convenience is a bigger part of it than we let on, but a convenient rooftop led us across lincoln and back. it's family, it's become a beautiful thing. Kansas is just what families do, they grow up they become more successful, branching out and creating a larger fan base.
 I've got a lotta feelings. Today Cousin moved to Kansas, with my back turned I cried as little purple truck packed to the rim, drove off. I've never really had my best friend move away before, it's going to be hard but I want to use this sad time to develop myself as an individual. It got kind of heavy though, driving home from Pole Vaulters house this evening. I realized I wasn't going home to Amy and my dad watching TV together, that I wouldn't have to worry about waking up Puppi, or Puppi keeping me up with barking either! Worst of all I recognized that I would be going home to my dad, who misses those two almost as much as I do. That was the hard part, facing him, my face covered in tears knowing that he feels just like I do- but not knowing how to say something, or what to say? it was hard but I lived through it. This week, sad as it may be is also full of new beginnings, It's my First week at Chuck E. Cheese's and I'm doing more appearances for the Saltdogs. In the last couple months I've gained some pretty great new friends and I've learned more about college, I'm pretty sure that things are going to be looking really good next quarter. I have real tangible goals, not only long term but in the present as well, for the first time in a long time. I'm scared but it's okay to be scared, it just isn't okay to be scared of who you are.
I felt crazy today. I thought for most of the afternoon, I was pretty productive... looking for jobs online, and making a pretty sweet resume took most of my time. then at 5 I went and hung out with Joel and Boomer, when I got home I turned on the radio to listen to mandatory Metallica and clean my kitchen, I also talked on the phone. MY MIND FEELS LIKE MUUUUSSSSHYY. I have no intellectual capacity and I just want something; perhaps some peace and quiet as far as ridiculous matters are concerned. As a close second, I want consistency. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA That's it, I do well with consistency and I've lost all consistent behaviors that I had previously come to enjoy. I don't feel ike I'm in control of anything right now. Well I am, but I feel like the things that glue who I am together are coming apart while the prerefrias are falling together.
It's true, and lately has become more and more apparent, I love dogs. I want to have one of my own someday, I mean I've grown up with doggies but they're always my dads. like he's the boss. I want to be the boss. I'm in love with the way dogs look at their people with unconditional love. ha umm, word vomit word vomit word vomit..... I AM CRAZY today and it isn't all bad. ugggggggggggggg. However I do feel EDGYas hell. I just decided, this hasn't been a blog in a long time. it is a journal. I can masquerade as much or as little as I'd like, the bottom line remains the same... ...live journal...
I have mom issues. in light of a conversation had 16 days ago... I have 5 days to make one of the biggest decisions I've made to date. ...forgiveness is an action not a feeling...
Dear Uncle Dave, You were a great man and I miss you.
www.ntsb.gov/ntsb/GenPDF.asp
people who sit down and just write an essay, those people are impressive.
Today is a new day and with a new day has come a new fear. She could hurt me, I mean other girls have hurt me but I always deserved it; this time I'm going to put myself out there, respectably. Out there means susceptible to danger....eeek!
There was something about last night that I liked. It was a first.
I'm growing up and dealing with my shit, I will forever be optimistic about life but the fact of the matter is that nothing is going to necessarily be getting any easier as I get older. I need to love and respect me, an impossible task if I don't believe I'm worth enough to surround myself with those who will love and respect me as well.
| Title: | random |
| Date: | 2009-07-27 @ 01:52 |
| Security: | public |
| Mood: | grateful  |
I think I'd like to learn latin... maybe.
Forgiving someone is an action, not a feeling. an action not a feeling... ... an action, not a, feeling.
I'm feeling a lot of things that I would like to find words for, but I probably won't. It's not that I can't or not able to find the words, it's just unlikely that I'll look.
ON TO OTHER NEWS
I am thankful for Amy , my cousin is an amazing friend.
Tonight I said "fuck you trick" to another drag king (who I care about,) the worst part was that she is my friend and I did intend to be rude. the only thing I can say for sure is that Sometimes friendships once thought to be special, even incredible- well from time to time, they die. It can be a difficult thing to grasp. Today it wasn't hard. I'm not even sad, well, metaphorically I am sad of the lost what could have been but not necessarily about actually realizing the end of a friendship occurred. All said and done it was a complicated relationship and didn't need to be dragged out. ha ha dragged out because we're drag kings who acted like we liked being friends continually ignoring what bad friends we were.
for the record, I apologized for my rude behavior and had a talk with her and everything is fine, but I just don't really care to pursue that frienship any longer. I would bet she feels the same.
The only thing I want in life is to go to UNL, apparently it is never going to happen; I will probably die uneducated and lonely. Seriously learning a language is probably one of the most difficult challenges in the world, hence whyI did not learn a language in High School! In any case I am distraught and have been up doing homework, I haven't slept at all, my mind is mushy and I want a hug. If there were a hug that could infuse me with a second language- I would go ahead and take that one. in other news, I hate braces. Specifically I hate my tongue being torn up, it hurts real bad. It has been weeks since I last used my mac, I miss you lil' buddy!
 The V Star 950 brings styling to a sleek new level, one we call ”Sport Classic.” There are many “classic” cruiser styling characteristics. However, what’s unique is the V Star 950’s light and sporty look characterized by the large diameter front & rear wheels with low profile tires, thin body shape, and fenders that have just the right amount of volume and draw. The headlight and low-profile fuel tank are designed to accentuate the bike’s light, low look, as is the openness around the engine and front wheel.
 The Speedmaster makes its inspiration and intentions clear from the start. We took that laid back custom look and added a real big helping of attitude. The result is a tough looking motorcycle with slash-cut pipes, blacked out engine casings and black cast wheels with machined rims. The Speedmaster celebrates the performance of its air-cooled 865cc parallel twin, 270º crank engine in a unique 60’s hot rod style. A tank mounted tacho, braided hoses, twin front discs and flat bars confirm this motorcycle goes as well as it looks. Make no mistake, whenever and wherever a Speedmaster arrives it leaves no one in any doubt as to how great the ride has been on the way.
dude I'm beautiful. the dude part is because sometimes when i'm serious I get embarrassed. The rest is completely legitimate though. it doesn't matter if I have a bad haircut or whether or not I have braces in my mouth; it's about more than those two things, it's about who I am on the inside and how I choose to express that to the world. By that less than deep metaphorical stuff, I meant that if I feel like my insecurities are a big deal, it makes it okay for other people to make them a big deal. Maybe it's just the summer, it makes me soo happy to play in the sunshine, or to just walk out in it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ya know those people or that person you grab your phone to text immediately after something hilarious happens or just like, every time you're bored?
yep, me too; I text Cousin and the pole vaulter.
Friday night I realized that the Pole Vaulter, AK.A. the forrest fire fighter, hadn't text'd me back since just a while after she said she was going to work on a fire. I had blown her phone up with texts!!!! It was completely inadvertent, I was living in the moment and when I texted her, I didn't realize that she hadn't responded to my other (probably nearing six) tex'tsI. After being such a text-douche, I felt like, like that girl I do not want to feel like. I haven't heard from her since (it's only been a day), but nonetheless I hope she's okay. Concurrently I hope she isn't annoyed by too many texts, because that would be lame.
Tonight I met a bunch of random people. many stories are to follow, I'm sure.
I have officially found artistic appreciation for the ambiguity of Facebooks "like" option.
man, I'm tired of this stupid thing with the pv, really WHY!?!? FREAKING A.
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